Friday, August 04, 2006

Oh F*(&@!!

Well, it happened. After approximately 6 weeks (I lose count, I'm easily distracted) I finally, FINALLY got - - wait for it - - my period. For those of you just joining us - I'm not a big fan of euphimisms. Don't like "Aunt Flo" or "my little visitor" or any other cutesy, let's-not-talk-about-it phrase used to discuss what is, for most of us, a normal bodily function. Messy and disgusting, yes, but normal, none-the-less.
Let me just say here, that I've never had a peaceful, happy relationship with my period. In high school, I missed 1-3 days every month, laying in bed, alternating between wishing I was dead and sleeping the drugged sleep that only narcotics can provide. Prescribed, you dorks, not illegal ones. Imagine my wonder and surprise several years ago when they came out with the news that Darvon could cause uterine cancer! Guess what I took for cramps??? Yep, the one and only! Life is good. NOT.
Anyway, I did some calculating several years ago, and figured that between puberty, menopause, peri-menopause and pregnancy, a woman only has about 5-6 really good years when her uterus isn't causing some sort of problem. That's not much, people, and most of those happened before I even knew I had a uterus! So, one of the great things I discovered (which they don't tell you, probably because if most women knew this, they'd either off themselves or their uteruses) peri-menopause is much like puberty in reverse. Think of it - periods that show up when (and if) they decide to, with no discernible cycle, mood swings that would give you whiplash if not careful, and leave even the most sympathetic female scratching her head (forget it, guys, you will never, ever understand, quit trying), and hormonal rushes that make Mt. St. Helens look like a baked alaska. I love it - what else would I do for entertainment?
So, yeah, today is crampy, tired, leave-me-alone day. At least it's Friday, and I'm off all next week.
In knitting news, I finished the sock last night (in a fit of hormone-induced mania), and started the second one. However, in a very uncharacteristic attempt to match, I'm going to rip out what I've started, and try to start sock #2 in approximately the same place (yarn-wise) I started sock #1. It may or may not work out, but I'm going to try it (and not get too anal about it, if it doesn't). When both are done, I'll post a pic, and we'll all see how close I came.
OK, I'm going to go lay over a desk or something, in the hopes that the pressure will make my uterus stop its complaining. It's going to be a FUN day.


Julie said...

I took Depo-Provera (the injected birth control). Once. I got hot flashes, insomnia, mood swings, my libido shut off, AND I HAD MALE PATTERN BALDNESS. (Fortunately I had a lot of hair to begin with and most of it grew back.)

I haven't hit menopause yet, but I've got an inkling.

My sympathies. Watch what you do with those pointy sticks. You may regret it later.

Then again, you may not.

Amy Lane said...

I totally wandered to your site during a TMI post--too much good fun! When I was 20, I had this dream that wolverines were eating my stomach, and I woke up and, hello, Bloody Murder (speaking of euphemisms--my other one is 'stuck pig season') had commenced... I sympathize with all of it... would love to see pix, but I blog on the same system and the damn thing is a big freakin' tease when it comes to loading photos...good luck w/that...and the other thing too...